


Save me from my fear (give me something I can believe)

by Bohemian (Linguam)



Series: Post 3x10: Erchomai [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: #SaveShadowhunters, Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Communication, Cuddles, Good Boyfriend Alec Lightwood, Healthy Relationships, Idiots in Love, Insecure Magnus Bane, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Malec, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-13 23:48:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15376065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linguam/pseuds/Bohemian
Summary: Silence stretches between them, the air heavy and foreboding like before a thunderstorm. Magnus can feel how tense Alec has gone beneath him, how still. When he finally speaks, his voice is tight with something Magnus can’t quite recognize but that definitely contains the component of barely suppressed anger.“I thought we already had the discussion about me ‘sowing my oats’ and how I’m not interested.”Magnus wets his lips.“I wouldn’t blame you if you’d changed your mind.”“Magnus.”





	Save me from my fear (give me something I can believe)

**Author's Note:**

> Look, it's the longest Malec fanfic I've written up to date! I know many of you write these beautiful, long-winded, multi-chaptered, amazing stories, but this is pretty huge for me (even though it isn't even 2k words). I'm proud of myself, is all I'm saying, lol.
> 
> Also, seems like I'm not yet done with the "Post 3x10" pieces, so let the angst continue...

“You know I love you, right?”

Maybe it’s the way calloused archer fingers run up and down his side and back in lazy strokes, or the deep, exhausted content floating through his body like melted lava, temporarily numbing the hollowness, or that undefinable _something_ in Alec’s voice, that stops the automatic flippant response from leaving Magnus’ mouth.

He cranes his head a little where he lies semi-splayed over his Shadowhunter in bed and places a light kiss on Alec’s chest, by the pinkish scar right over his heart.

“I know you do,” he murmurs, the words matching Alec’s in volume. It seems almost disrespectful, to disturb the gentle afternoon silence with anything louder than a whisper.

“You sure?” Alec’s fingers keep drawing mindless patterns over his skin. “It’s just that you’ve been pretty withdrawn since… since that night.”

Magnus is suddenly extremely grateful that Alec can’t see his face from this position. He doesn’t know what expression overtakes his features, but he’s sure it reveals too much of the soul-aching, breathtaking grief and emptiness he feels inside him every second of every waking hour since _that night._

That night when he traded his soul, and came close to losing his heart as well.

“I’m not expecting you to be okay,” Alec continues softly, when Magnus doesn’t respond. “I think it’d be weird if you were. And you don’t have to talk to me about it, although I’ll always be willing to listen, whenever you’re ready. It’s just… Magnus, you’ve barely touched me since then.”

Magnus flinches.

_Of course he noticed._

“Well, seeing your boyfriend almost die tends to put a damper on a guy’s libido.” The words are harsh, he can’t help it, but the tone is anything but, colored with lingering traces of helplessness and fear, and Alec only hugs him tighter.

“I’m not talking about sex. You don’t come to bed until after I’m asleep, and you’re never there in the morning. You tense up every time I hug you, you haven’t kissed me _once_ since I woke up, and you keep looking at me like you expect me to... disappear, or something.” Alec’s voice is impossibly soft. “You’re pushing me away.”

Magnus closes his eyes. Wetness clings to his lashes. 

“I’m sorry.”

He feels Alec shake his head.

“No, don’t apologize. Just… I know you’re struggling, and I want to help make this less difficult for you, in any way I can.” There is a brief, hesitant pause before he continues, “So, if you need some time alone- if you want me to leave…”

“ _No._ ” It’s with great difficulty that Magnus manages to swallow down the burst of visceral fear enough to speak. “No. Don’t leave.” _Please, for everything that’s still good in the world, please don’t leave._

“Okay,” Alec shushes him. There is obvious relief in his voice. “Okay. Then what’s going on?”

The humorless snort is out of Magnus’ mouth before he can think to rein it in.

“Aside from the obvious, you mean?”

The arms around him tighten, and he sighs.

“I just… I know you’re looking into ways of fixing- this- and I appreciate it... but I don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything.” He feels Alec getting ready to object and plows on. “You _don’t._ This was my decision, and I took it with my eyes open. You can’t take the blame for the outcome, no matter how much you might want to.” He swallows, forces himself to continue. “The thing is… I’m not the same anymore, Alec. This changes everything. This isn’t what you signed up for, and you should have the opportunity to… reevaluate… this, us, in case… in case it isn’t what you want anymore.”

It’s what Magnus has been preparing for, with all this keeping Alec at arm’s length—the inevitability of Alec realizing that he could do better, that he doesn’t have to be shackled to damaged goods, to someone who is useless, who is irreparably broken—but the mere thought of it actually happening still floods him with pure, visceral panic. He has lost so much already, during the course of his very long life and during the past few months, and if he now lost Alec too?

He can’t bear to think about it.

“I’d understand, if it’s—” _if I’m_ “—too much, or—” _not enough._ The words are like razors in his throat. “I’d understand.”

Silence stretches between them, the air heavy and foreboding like before a thunderstorm. Magnus can feel how tense Alec has gone beneath him, how still. When he finally speaks, his voice is tight with something Magnus can’t quite recognize but that definitely contains the component of barely suppressed anger.

“I thought we already had the discussion about me ‘sowing my oats’ and how I’m not interested.”

Magnus wets his lips.

“I wouldn’t blame you if you’d changed your mind.”

“ _Mag_ nus.” A well-placed hand under his chin encourages Magnus to look up. He has never seen Alec look so _sad,_ so distraught—not even after Lilith kidnapped Jace from right under their noses. “ _Listen to me:_ I don’t _want_ anyone else. I will _never_ want anyone else. How can you- how can you not see that?”

Magnus swallows.

“Things are different now, Alec. _I’m_ different. You can’t know—”

“Yes, I can. I _do,_ because as far as I’m concerned, nothing has changed between us.” Alec hesitates. “Or do you not- do _you_ still want _me?_ ”

Magnus stares at him, dumbfounded.

“I- of _course_ I do. You’re the only reason I haven’t completely lost my mind—” _yet._ “Alexander… you’re _everything._ Why would you even ask me that?”

Alec looks at him in disbelief.

“Seriously? Why _wouldn’t_ I ask you that, after everything you’ve been through because of me: Valentine and the Soul Sword and Edom and facing your father again and… Magnus, you’d still have your magic if it wasn’t for me. I have hurt you, time and time again- if you had never met me—”

“I would still be wandering the Earth, miserable and lonely,” Magnus finishes. He might not be sure about a lot of things right now, but this is something he knows to be true. “Alexander, taking all of those things into account, my life has still been much brighter and happier since you came into it. I wouldn’t trade that, not for anything. I’ll never not want you.”

“And if I lost my runes?” Alec’s eyes are boring into his, undeterred. It’s impossible to look away. “If I did something ridiculously noble and stupidly selfless to save the people I love and ended up losing my runes, would you still want me then?”

Magnus’ vision blurs.

“Alexander…”

“Would you?” Alec insists.

“Yes.” Magnus swallows thickly. “Alexander, of course I would, of _course,_ but that’s not—”

“It _is_ the same, it’s _exactly_ the same.” Alec’s eyes are imploring, bright with frustration. The descending sun casts beams of light into the room, and it makes his skin glow, sets his naturally gorgeous hazels ablaze. He looks powerful and beautiful. Like an avenging angel. “Why can’t you believe that I love you the same way you love me—unconditionally?”

Yes, why couldn’t he believe it? Magnus isn’t sure he has a response, aside from the fact that he has never in all his years been faced with this degree of absolute commitment, with Alexander’s purity of intent. Alec might make mistakes, but he is still so unbelievably young, and he _tries_ ; he genuinely wants to do better, and despite Magnus’ rich history of past paramours, that kind of willingness to accommodate others is a rarity. After all this time, he figured he simply wasn’t meant to have it, a love so uncomplicated, so undemanding, so honest.

When he doesn’t respond, Alec gives a quiet, sad sigh. His arms squeeze Magnus’ waist more firmly—keeping him close, keeping him from pulling away.

“Nothing could ever make me want to leave you, Magnus,” he says with quiet conviction. “The reason I’ve been spending so much time researching, trying to find ways to get you your magic back, is because I know how important it is to you, and I hate seeing you unhappy. But to me, personally?” Alec shakes his head, expression somehow both grim and unbelievably kind at the same time. “It doesn’t matter. You not having magic changes nothing, _nothing,_ about how I feel about you. _Please_ believe that.” He pushes an errant bang out of Magnus’ face. “But we _will_ get it back. If I have to march into Edom, or summon Lucifer himself, to fix this, I will. I don’t care what it takes.”

That, Magnus has no trouble believing; he’d meant it back then, when he stated that Alec will blow up the very ground he stands on to make something right. If there is any one thing in this world that Magnus will never doubt, it’s the fierce doggedness of Alexander Lightwood when it comes to pursuing justice, especially where his family is concerned.

And that scares him even more.

He closes his eyes and leans their foreheads together.

“You’re going to do something foolish, aren’t you?” he mumbles, heart clenching as Alec huffs a laugh.

“Probably.”

Magnus sighs.

“I’d try stopping you, but even if I still had my magic, that wouldn’t have been within my power.” He swallows, presses closer into the sanctity of Alec’s warm body. “Just _please,_ promise me you’ll be careful. This isn’t worth losing your life for, not to me.”

Alec’s lips brush his, gentle and soothing.

“I promise. I will fix this, Magnus. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Magnus whispers. “So, so much.”

Alec kisses him again, and if it tastes like salt, neither of them mentions it. Without disconnecting their lips, Alec carefully rolls them so that he ends up on top, the familiar weight of his body pushing Magnus into the soft mattress, shielding him from the outside world.

Magnus knows that, despite Alec’s reassurances, their life _is_ going to be different now. The future is cloaked in obscurity, fraught with questions they have yet to find answers for, and neither of them knows what trials and challenges might be waiting for them on the other side of the door. Frankly, thinking about it terrifies him.

But for the time being, Magnus blanks his mind to all of it, and lets Alec fill up the void.

**Author's Note:**

> #SaveShadowhunters
> 
> Title from Within Temptation's _All I Need_


End file.
